Me and my selfish I

Writer With an I

All of the world’s people are “my people.” I don’t have to be Jewish to feel the sufferings of the Holocaust nor Muslim to weep for the horrors of the genocides in Bosnia and Kosovo. I don’t have to be Christian to hate the atrocities of the Sudanese civil war or Protestant to be disgusted by the Spanish Inquisition. The history of the world’s religions is enough for me to shun organized religion for their perpetuation of the concept of “us” versus “them.”

I don’t recall when was the last time I thought of myself as a Christian. I mean a proper one, with a firm, never self-questioning belief in a God as defined by the credo of the main Christian denominations.

I went gradually from the mistical fervour of my teenage years to a sort of resigned, too old to get excited at the first sign of an unverifiable miracle such as those that bring people on a short fused togetherness in the religious encounters.

I can say that I am kind of cynical believer, a cross between an over-cautious Thomas and a age old tired Jonah. My brain is wired in a way that doesn’t allow for anything related to the Higher Place to be second-hand, not experimented by myself. In a way my belief is the size of my spiritual diary. Nothing outside my experience matter enough to be included in my dogma. It sounds blaphemous perhaps but I can’t help it. It’s more like a handicap than a virtue.

I think that everybody has a certain set of handicaps, an incapacity of a sort be it of physical nature or psychological one. My faith sees the churches as  mere institutions in which our individual religious selves are democratically melted, compromises are made in order for everyone to benefit from the power gain through this union. Most of the times religious meetings resemble a rounding of anxious children left alone in a deep dark forest.

Fear of whatever hapens next it’s sometimes sufficient to unite people. Nothing wrong with this but my own idea of confronting fear is somehow different. Not better, but different. A solution based on the whims of other people is not very appealing. I realize now that my solution is not an ideal one and I can’t see myself as a good example of a proper Christian.

At least it doesn’t contradict with what I was saying at the beginning of this rambles, or does it?

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