I apologize to the very few people who are still receiving emails about my new postings, I don’t want to clog their email box with my ramblings so I won’t mind if they unsubscribe. I am saying this because my disposition lately is to write without any readers in mind (I hope I will be able to do this which I know is hard, the natural tendency of any diarist to be aware of others’ eventual presence dies hard). Of course I don’t mind if you leave it as it is, I just want to free myself further from more constraints in the process.
Writing about yourself is not a sign of weakness ultimately. I have in mind Paul’s saying “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities” which is a recent revelation of mine. Being conscious of my failings is to be essentially human. With this realisation comes an inner power. Even outside the Christian paradigm this looks to me like a truism. My innate skepticism finds a soul-mate in a mirroring blind-trust in the force of the (assumed) weakness. Losing the walking stick provided by organised religion does not mean that you are a cast out, without the right tools for survival. It can be rather an opportunity to grow up quicker and to actually act like a grown-up. To often the safety of the religious group becomes a trap for the insiders to live their life in a loop, permanently looking for reassurance and comfort. It is, again very often, a case of survival of the fittest. The fittest is one who has the social skills to live in a group of like-minded people and to adhere to its, made-up as they go along, rules.
Outside these groups there are people who don’t have the capacity of compromising their needs, found closer to the summit of the pyramid, for the sake of an easy life. They can’t ignore the reality of the conflict between what they feel and what they are told. They also cannot be satisfied with fake or temporary solutions. One of my ways to cope with this drama is by accepting who I am. I don’t mean the acceptance recommended by the shrinks in order to give it a rest until the crisis passes, because I know that it won’t pass. It will lurk in the shadow for my entire life. I need to embrace my life, my character, my personality, my genes. They are not to blame for what I feel. I don’t see any other way out for now other than being true to myself. My mind and my soul (assuming there is one) are open to what life throws at me.